I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Duck Duck Cougar?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
