I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
