You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
