Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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