There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
