A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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