u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I cannot find my penis.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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