I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
