I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
