Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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