I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
