whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
