I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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