Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.