ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
