Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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