the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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