I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
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Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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