Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
