textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
