You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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