i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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