She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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