Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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