you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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