We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
