I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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