I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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