At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize