I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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