I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
