I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
