I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
