Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
be right there i have to get my cape
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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