I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
