No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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