Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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