Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
40s are totally the cure
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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