nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
