Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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