you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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