my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We are two peas in an std pod
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
