Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
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To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
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Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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