I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
