what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
pray to the hookup gods
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
