My sheets look like a crime scene.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
