also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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