my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
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This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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