not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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