If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
