I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize