Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
