I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
