I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
