my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
