I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
