I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
