in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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