Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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