Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
